4 this is why I’m here

blog4 months in! wow!
I know I usually write in both german and english and it was really my goal to keep that up, but in the middle of finishing homework and studying for final exams I don’t really have the energy to translate my thoughts. I’m sorry, I’ll try my best to start doing it again next month!

Well, this month I got to celebrate Christmas, a new year and think about what this year will hold.
As I was praying about this new year I asked God for a verse for this year and a word to go with it and the verse from Joshua 1:9

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

And the word ‘courageous’ to go with it.

I don’t really know what that means yet, but it comforts me.

As the first semester of interns is ending I have been thinking a lot about what will happen after interns. But before I can even get into that I have to stand in awe of the miracle it is that I am even here! In the summer of 2014  I was a sixteen year old girl that knew that she had one year of Highschool left, something on her heart but no idea how to go about it and called out to God for it. I remember myself praying “God, I really want to go to bible college and devote a year to you. I want to learn about you and grow in my relationship with you and I want to be around people who are wanting to do that as well.”
Sounds good, right? Well I had no idea how I would do that! I had no idea of where to go to, how to go about it and where to get the money from.
And then I saw a flyer of cla and I saw that they had a youth and I felt the strongest urge to go. I don’t know if you have ever experienced this but if you have you know what I’m talking about. That pull in your heart that makes you say things like ‘I have to. I just know that I have to.’ Looking back I can say that that was the Holy Spirit tugging on my heart.
So I went, walking 20 minutes through the rain with noone to go with me and noone there that I knew. I remember thinking that I knew how crazy this is, but it didn’t feel crazy at all. I remember knowing that it didn’t make sense, but I still had to go. I remember actively making the decision to go, saying ‘God I believe that there is a reason that I feel this way and because of that, I choose to believe that you have something prepared for me there. And even if not, it will still be worth it to know.’ And I remember talking to God the whole way there.

Well, as soon as I walked in I saw a girl I went to highschool with and she recognized me and showed me around a bit. It was such a blessing. One thing I noticed was that I felt right there, I felt at home and I could see myself being there later on.
Sure enough that night I didn’t only hear a message that was amazing, but also found out about the interns program. From there things started. I got confirmation from God about going and made a plan. It still seemed crazy but I felt so good about it. I had that fire again, I was so excited! And everytime a breakthrough happened I was so in awe, so thankful of what God was doing in my life. The last year of Highschool was hard in so many ways but one of my favourite years of my life so far. Everytime I felt like this cannot possibly actually happen and cried out to God, asking him why He would lead me on to this when it won’t come to pass and asking Him to please make a way, HE DID! He always, always, always made a way. And I was so in AWE.

Well, here I am. All tuition paid for. Finished the first semester. God did it. I am here. I am smack dab in the middle of it. And I wish I was more in awe. I wish I was more excited. I wish I was jumping up and down every single day about just how amazing it is that God did this for me. That He made this happen. That he would demonstrate His love for me in such a tangible way. In a way that I can always testify about. But I’m not jumping up and down.
I am worrying, worrying about what will happen after, when really I should be so focused on this moment. I mean, I knew that God was growing my faith and trust in Him throughout that year of preperation. I knew that He was preparing me for greater things ahead. So where is my trust now? Where is that girl that just cried out to God when things got tough instead of hiding from them? Where is that girl that musters up all her courage and tells her parents about her crazy plans to go back to Canada to go to bible college?
Where is she, when I find myself lost and without words, trying to talk myself into save dreams. Into reasonable dreams.

Reality is: dreams are never safe.
If it’s save, it’s not a dream.
Dreams are supposed to make you feel weak in the knees at the idea of them and giddy and excited and in AWE.

My year of challenges with God, my year of constant surrender to Him followed up by continuous awe, was by no means it.
It was simply the beginning on the rest of my life with Him.
And I think it took me until now to fully realize that and step into the freedom that brings.

I mean THAT is what I’m here for, right?
Not to take a year off, or find myself a lumberjack or think about university classes.
But to be in AWE of the GOD WHO MADE THE STARS IN HEAVEN, yet HE CARES ABOUT ME enough to give me something that my I desired with every fiber in my body.
I lost my awe along the way, when it was the thing I should have clung on to the most.

So maybe that is what I’ll need my courage for this year, to step into things that will leave me in breathless awe of my God, who would breathe the stars and still care about my heart.

If you need some awe in your life today, watch this.
I promise you it will be the best 40 minutes you spend in this whole year.

Have an AWEsome year!
I am confident it will be the best one yet!

Paula

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